Love. What a word! It can conger all sorts of feelings and emotions, with just a simple mention. But, what does it really MEAN???
The dictionary defines Love as, "1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties 2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers 3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
So many uses for one word. We tend to throw this word around so nonchalantly, that it almost loses any kind of deep meaning. I love this, I love that...I love him, I love her...I love, I love, I love. What IS the real meaning of this word? It's more than just an expression, a way to placate or describe something. It should be rooted in the deep, purity for which it was intended. And so, I struggle to really understand how I feel about this word. When looking at the definition, the two that stick out to me the most are "the fatherly concern of God for humandkind" and "a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties...an amorous episode" These are the "loves" that I choose to focus on, because they are the ones that innately shape my life and I believe truly express the purity of the word.
My love for God has been a tumultuous love. We have always had a relationship, one that started in my very early teens. I was hugely active in my youth group and absolutely loved the camaraderie and fellowship. I felt a strong pull to the Lord and I appreciated all that He had done for me. As I grew older, the love grew stronger. I felt the pull to serve Him increase with each passing year...until my own dad died. It was then that my relationship with my God began to ride a very long and windy rollercoaster. I loved, I loathed. I embraced, I pushed away. I praised, I ignored. But throughout the ride, I always kept Him within arm's length...never completely letting go. I continued to pray about things...asking for guidance, strength, answers. When prayers were answered, I praised. When they weren't, I was ambivalent. I never approached my relationship with Him as one of deserving, but rather, why not deserve. Always with a bit of humility at my reluctance to fully commit. It was just easier to keep our relationship strictly platonic...no strings. But I was never completely happy.
The bible says, "God so loved the world, that He gave his only son...." He sacrificed his only son to save the world from its sins. What kind of love that must be!!! I know the love that I have for my daughter knows no bounds...it transcends all understanding. I love her like I have NEVER loved another human being...I never knew I could love to this extent. It is pure, unconditional and perfect. I can only assume it is somewhat close to what God must have felt for Jesus...His son. Because of this "love", I feel connected to God in a way that only a parent could. I thank Him everyday for the blessing of her in my life. For the gift of motherhood and to have the privilege to raise her. Because of this, I want to raise her in Christ. I want her to know THAT love. In order to do this, I need to find THAT love, again. The pure, unconditional and perfect love for my God. And so, I begin that journey to find that relationship with Him, once again.
The second "love", for another human being in a romantic way. I have recently decided to divorce my husband. We have been married for 15 years. It was a very hard decision to make, and yet one that needed to be made. Without going to deeply into it, communication broke down, love waned and we began to live separate lives. It wasn't for lack of trying...we just couldn't reach the same goal. I still love him, but it's no longer a deep, romantic, committed love. Rather, it's a love of friendship and hope for happiness for him in whatever he does in life. I tried hard to hold onto THAT love, but I couldn't. It no longer existed and that was heartbreaking. I had been in love with him once...deeply, unconditionally. Why had it left? Why had it suddenly changed? Did that mean that I really had no idea what TRUE love was? No. I think I do know, ours just turned into something different.
I love on two levels. For my family & friends, I love with sincerity and loyalty. I love with trust and fellowship. I love with a fierce desire to protect and provide security. I don't have a lot of "close" friends...I've been hurt too many times. I am picky. I try to surround myself with quality people, who will give back the respect and trust I give to them. Because of THAT love for others, I have been blessed with a wonderful group of people who provide support, guidance and friendship that amazes and humbles me. I have been blessed.
For a romantic love, I love deeply, unconditionally, completely. If you can love me the same way, if you can give me what I need and I can meet your needs, if you are willing to work WITH me and trust me, then I will love you with my whole heart and soul. It's a love that has nothing to do with physicality, it runs much deeper. It's a love that keeps you safe and will never fail. It's a love that will always be strong and pure, no matter what comes your way. It's a love that knows how to say I'm sorry and work things out. It's a love that will never be silent or make you feel unworthy. That's the love that I want. I thought I had that once, but looking back, it wasn't complete. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I made it too hard to achieve, so as not to be too disappointed if it failed. But why shouldn't I expect - demand - the kind of love I want? Am I being unreasonable? Does that kind of love really exist??
When I left my husband, I expected to be alone for quite some time. I didn't want another relationship...that was the farthest thing from my mind. I looked forward to being with just me and my daughter. To learning more about what I wanted and needed to be healthy and happy again. And, quite honestly, I pretty much thought that another chance at love was all but gone. I mean, if it was out there, I'd take it, but I'm 41 and have a 3yr old. I'm not exactly a super model and it's hard to start that journey again. Nope, I was quite content to just be me. That's what I wanted. And then...THWACK!!! When I wasn't looking, and I didn't want it, love found me. In the most unexpected of places and the most unexpected of people, I found THAT love. Yes, I said it...THAT love. A love that is based in respect, is unconditional, has no hidden agenda, is given freely and without reservation and, most importantly, encompasses my daughter. A love that has never been pushy, demanding, full of ultimatums or conditions. A love that has taken it's time and is based solidly in a true friendship. I was flabbergasted! Why...and why now??? This isn't what I wanted!!! What do I do with this "love"???? I thought about running. I thought about fighting. I thought about ignoring...hoping it would go away. That was the right thing to do, right?? And then...I prayed.
I prayed hard. I prayed for understanding and direction. Was this the right thing? Was this the right time? Was this part of God's plan for me? Did God even have a plan for me anymore? And then it hit me...this was my way back to God. I needed Him now, more than ever. I needed His guidance, strength, wisdom...His peace. I need to hear Him talk to me...and I needed to listen!! This is not a perfect situation. Some would say it's wrong. I'm not yet divorced, so what am I doing being in love and involved again. I am one of those people. I don't know if I am doing the right thing, but it feels right. As much as I have tried to fight it, I keep getting deeper into it. And so, I pray. I pray for God to direct me where I need to go. I pray for Him to enter my heart and give me the strength and guidance to live my life in His way and through His will. I pray for His love. THAT love. And I will keep praying. And I will keep seeking. And I will keep trying to find THAT love...because THAT love is so worth it.
